She said her name was "party"
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
