Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
