i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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