I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I don't deserve a penis
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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