I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
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