the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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