I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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