Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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