The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
