Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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