I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
