i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
