I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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