So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
