my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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