Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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