y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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