i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I touched a dick in church today
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
