As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
