The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
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