you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
