areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
