I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
