I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
