Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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