I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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