the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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