I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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