Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
