but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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