I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
