Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize