Already got asked if we're dating
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
