How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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