I faked an abortion last night.
I can text with my tongue
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
