my vag is so smooth its legendary
it's not cheating when I paid for it
splinters make it hard to masturbate
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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