Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
