Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
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