Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
