conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
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