ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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