I CAN MOONWALK!
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
