Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
