so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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