my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
