Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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