I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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