This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize