I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
