batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
