Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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