Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
