Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
