i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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