T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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