I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
