Four minutes until I can fart!
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I would fuck him just for his dog
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
